Newest jokes

Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?"

"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
→ When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks." The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person."

The legs declared, "I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me."

So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.

Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."

He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him. "You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"

The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.

The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore. "Ok, ok, you're the boss!" they gave in. So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need to be an asshole.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.

It's done on a very high level.

There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.

And it takes two years to get any results.

- Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.

- Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
→ They're hiring.

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."

The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"