Newest jokes

What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?
→ The front row of a Hanson concert

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Stick your tongue out.

Move it up and down.

Relax.

Now move it left and right.

Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- Mother: What does the cow say?

- Child: Moooo!

- Mother: Great! What does the cat say?

- Child: Meow.

- Mother: Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"

What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
→ Hansons.

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."