Newest jokes

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez:

- Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

- Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees. - he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed!

- What happened then? - they asked, almost in unison.

- Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' - he admitted.

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded:

- If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!

The wife replied:

- My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place.

A coupla Aggies, Buck and Thurleen, married after graduating from Texas A&M, are driving from Dallas down to a motel in Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Buck reaches over and puts his hand on Thurleen's knee.

Thurleen smiles, blushes and says:

- Oh Buck, we're married now, you can go farther than that!

So he drove on to Laredo.

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride.

- Well, you see, this morning when I got up - he said:

- I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser.

I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money.

- No no! - he half wailed/half said:

- You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change.

This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new Bride prepared for their wedding nite. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their love making. She finally announced that she was ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace that he admired so much.

She replied:

- Well, yes darling, I do. But what in the world would you need it for at a time like this?

He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied:

- Ain't no way I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains.

I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married,

but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.

A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked:

- Do you talk to your husband when you're making love?

She thought about it a minute then said:

- Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now.

Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in the maid, and a mistress to be named later.

A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together:

- Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite.

The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies:

- An elephant.

The wife sez:

- That's close enough!

Mr. Schneider stood up in court:

- As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.

Glaring down at him, the judge replied:

- He's not. I am. You do.