A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
- Excuse me - he said, have you lost something?
- No - replied one of the doctors.
- We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.
- Didn't you see the arrow, buddy? - he asked.
- An arrow? - the confused driver said.
- I didn't even see the Indians
- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
- Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.
- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.
Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.
- Fuck me - shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.
- What the fuck are you doing that for? - says Smartie.
- That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him - says Polo.
- You should stand up to him - says Smartie.
- He'll respect you more if you do.
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.
- Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you - says Polo.
- Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink? - says Humbug.
- Told you so - says Smartie.
The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.
- Fuck me - shouts Polo again diving under the table.
- What the fuck are you doing that for again? - says Smartie.
- I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune - says Polo.
- So what? - says Smartie.
- He's fucking menthol - says Polo.
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought: "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry." Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him:
- What's going on out there? - it asked.
- Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!! - the whiskey replied.
And pizza said:
- Great, I'll go check it out!
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard ask:
- What's going on?
To which the drunk replied:
- I just beat the shit out of a ghost.
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
- So what's going on here? - he asks.
The bikie replies:
- My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit.
The cop says:
- I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!
The bikie replies:
- That's what I'm going to do next!
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
