Newest jokes

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells:

- Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says:

- What is it?

- It's a special golf ball - says the salesman.

- You can never lose it!

- Whattaya mean - scoffs the golfer - you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?

- No problem - says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.

- Well, what if you hit it into the woods?

- Easy - says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.

- Okay - says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?

- No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!

The golfer buys it at once.

- Just one question - he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?

- I found it.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said:

- You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment:

- Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked:

- Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?

- Yes - the golfer responded.

- Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?

- Yes, I did. How did you know? - he asked.

- Well - said the policeman very seriously - Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...:

- I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

- Is that so? - the first said.

- Did he do a good job?

- Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot - he said.

- The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That - he added - was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer:

- I can arrange some things for you. I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity - the devil said.

The lawyer thought for a moment.

- What's the catch? - he asked.

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below:

- Where are we?

The man yells back:

- About a half mile from town.

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other:

- He must have been a lawyer.

The other says:

- A lawyer! How do you know that?

The first says:

- That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out:

- Oh, look! A nut!

The second squirrel jumped on it and said:

- It's my nut!

The first squirrel said:

- That's not fair! I saw it first!

- Well, you may have seen it, but I have it - argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said:

- You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said:

- Now, give me the nut.

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying:

- See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.

Then he reached over and said:

- And for my fee, I'll take the meat.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains:

- How much does it cost for engineer brain?

- Three dollars an ounce.

- How much does it cost for programmer brain?

- Four dollars an ounce.

- How much for lawyer brain?

- $1,000 an ounce.

- Why is lawyer brain so much more?

- Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?