Newest jokes

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from:

- America - the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded:

- She's not from the States.

- Yes I am. - said the wife.

He looked at her and asked:

- Is he your husband?

- Yes. - she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered:

- I'll give you 100 camels for her.

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied:

- She's not for sale.

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied:

- I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. - That's terrible!!! - said her husband - What would you like to do during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.

- Well - she said - First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long!

- Gee, Honey. - said her husband - I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked:

- You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

- Why?

- Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice:

- Father - he said - I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.

His father replied:

- Don't you love this girl?

- Oh yes, very much - he said - but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.

- No problem - said dad - all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed. Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

- Mom - she said - When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.

- Honey - her mother consoled - everyone has bad breath in the morning.

- No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.

Her mother said simply:

- Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.

- I shouldn't say good morning or anything? - the daughter asked.

- Not a word - her mother affirmed.

- Well, it's certainly worth a try - she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks:

- What on earth are you doing?

- Oh, my - he replies - you've swallowed my sock!

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
→ Studying their Miranda Rights.

What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
→ A huddle.

Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
→ The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
→ It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

- The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

- The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

- The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

- The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

- If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

- After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

- After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

- In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

- No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

- You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

- Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

- They keep shouting "Do over!"

- When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.

- Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.

- First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

- Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"

- Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.

- You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"

- They play like the Mets

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

- Escape from Dojo: The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

- Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

- Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

- Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

- Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

- Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

- Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

- Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

- Sensei's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

- Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

- Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

- Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

- Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

- Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

- Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

- Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

- Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

- Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

- Must be able to sing Karaoke.

- Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

- Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

- Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

- Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

- Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.

- Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

- Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.