Newest jokes

What would you do if you had a condum with a hole in it in one pocket, and a rattle snake in the other pocket?
→ I don't know either, but I do know that I wouldn't screw with either one of them.

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.

Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death.

An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....

Your mamma is so fat when god said let there be light he asked her to step out of the way

Did you here about the new atomic cocktail?
→ one sip & you go out with a poof :0)

What do you see when the pillsbary dough boy bends over?
→ Doughnuts

Level I: Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II: Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments.

Level III: Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Level IV: Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.

What goes "click click, Is that it?, click click, Is that it?"
→ Steveie Wonder doing a rubik's cube

What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?
→ "Thats the most violent book I've ever read."

Did you hear that Betty Crocker passed away.

The funeral is set at 4:50 for ten to fifteen minutes.

A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.

The bartender says:

- Hey fella, why the long face?