Newest jokes

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed:

- Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?

The older boy replied:

- As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon.

At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said:

- Have you two learned your lesson?

- Sure, Dad! - said the big brother - But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.

- Ah yes! - said the farmer - BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.

- What the hell happened? - asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.

- I'm not really sure - the man replied, rubbing his red cheek - When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.

Up walks a so called lady of the night. She says:

- For $300.00, I'll do anything you want.

Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

- Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.

The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.

The man said:

- Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks:

- Do you do custom work?

- Why of course!

- Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.

- No problem - says the artist - Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.

The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

- That doesn't look like them! - she complains loudly.

- Oh yes it does - the artist says indignantly - and I can prove it. With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

- Well, what do you think? - the woman asks, spreading her legs - Do you know who these men are?

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says:

- I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

- All right - one of the girls said - the first one to speak has to do them.

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

- Hey, where's some petroleum jelly? - he hollered from the kitchen.

- Oh, hell! - the male roommate said, jumping up - I'll do the dishes.

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote:

- How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote:

- I'm drowning, you moron!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said:

- I'll be 16 tomorrow.

- I know - said the butcher with a smile - I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face.

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said:

- Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me?

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked the time, miss.

In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked:

- I will call the police if you say another word!

Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.

The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants.

- Show the lady your finest mink! - the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers:

- Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

- No problem! I'll write you a check!

- Very good, sir. - says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged:

- How dare you show your face in here?!

- There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!

- I just had to come by - grinned the guy - to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!