Newest jokes

Will sell for parts one F-117 Plane in wrecked condition. Self pick-up from Yugoslavia by buyer

Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic "smart" missiles.

Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned to NATO's base.

- Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

- His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

- LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

- HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

Why is Bill Clinton happy he named his dog "Buddy?"
→ Because it's a BAD TIME to be yelling "come Spot!" in the Whitehouse.

Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.S. President has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.

To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the Lewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:

- "Divorce for Dummies"

- "100 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

- "How to Remove Stains"

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Gingrich responds:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton speaks up:

- Where's Dorothy?

A tourist from the United States of America is at a restaurant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, "Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me." The Cuban waiter replies, "We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be done to me too!"

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.

- So you buried all the politicians? - asked the police officer.

- Were they all dead?

The farmer answered:

- Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
→ Chelsea

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks outside, it had snowed during the night and everything was covered in snow. He looks down and sees something written in urine on the lawn it reads:

- I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD.

Bill calls the FBI and says:

- Someone has written 'I hope you get impeached' in urine on my lawn. For them to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal.

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later:

- Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Do you want to here the bad news or the awful news first.

Bill sighs:

- bad I guess.

- The urine belongs to Al Gore - Bill grabs his chest.

- Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...

What's the awful news?!

The FBI agents look at each other...

- The hand writing was Hillary's