Newest jokes

A guy in a bar. The bartender asks him:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars

to which he replies:

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy:

- Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says:

- What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!

The guy says:

- What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life

to which the bartender replies:

- I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.

To which the guy replies:

- Thank you! Make it a scotch.

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

TOP 10 McGreevey jokes....

10. NJ state bird - swallow.
11. New Jersey Turnpike renamed Hershey Highway.
12. NJ raises terror alert level to lavender.
13. We know he didn't like bush, but this is ridiculous.
14. Now we know why McGreevey enjoyed "polling" so much.
15. What does McGreevey and the Israeli navy have in common? Jewish seamen.
16. NJ DMV now calls rear-end accidents a "mcgreevey".
17. Gives new meaning to "stuffing the ballot box".
18. Post headline: "McGreevey goes down!"
19. It shouldn't take McGreevey long to get out of the governor's mansion - he's already got all his schitt packed!

How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up a black motorist?
→ None. He fell down the stairs.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

- Sooflay ... the restauranteur

- Guday ... the half-Australian brother

- Huray ... the sports fanatic

- Bejay ... the gay brother

- Kuntay & Kintay ... the twins from the African mother

- Sayhay ... the baseball player

- Ojay ... the stalker / murderer

- Gulay ... the singer / entertainer

- Ebay ... the internet czar

- Biliray ... the country music star

- Ecksray ... the radiologist

- Puray ... the blender factory owner

- Tupay ... the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

- Pusay ... the 'loose' 22 yr old

- Lattay ... the coffee shop owner

- Bufay ... the 300 pound sister

- Dushay ... the clean sister

- Phayray ... the zoo worker in the gorilla house

- Sapheway ... the grocery store owner

- Ollay ... the half-mexican sister

- Gudlay ... the prostitute

More will, no doubt, be discovered...including A.A. Sidday, Oz weekend TV Host.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.

After fifteen minutes speaking he says:

- I will now answer any questions you have.

Bobby stands up and says:

- I have four questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said:

- I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.

A little girl called Julie stands up and says:

- I have six questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To escape an oppressive military regime.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

- Hello?

- Hello, is this the FBI?

- Yes. What do you want?

- I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

- Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

- Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?

- Yeah!

- Did they chop your firewood?

- Yep

- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish - she asks:

- will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says:

- No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?

- Osama Bin Laden - she says.

- Why Osama Bin Laden - her father asks in shock.

Well, she says:

- I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride:

- Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.

Melissa says:

- I know, and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him.