Newest jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June - he said - and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough - he replied.

- Then in July - the friend continued - My father died leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month - continued the friend - nothing!

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said:

- It's a ladybug.

After a moment of stunned silence the customer said:

- Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

- No - replied McAteer.

- I've lost all me luggage!

- How'd that happen?

- The cork fell out - said the Irishman.

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.

She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs:

- I don't remember eating that!

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what? Who's in a hurry?

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
→ A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

- Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again. - the wife told her husband.

- How can you tell ? - he asked.

- Did you smell it ?

- Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . .

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.

Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by.

- Get me out of here - said the one in the grave.

- I'm cold.

The other one looked over the edge and said:

- No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you.

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!

Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says:

- Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?

The drunk replies:

- Even Elvis had to clear his throat!