Newest jokes

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
11. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
12. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
13. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
14. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
15. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
16. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
17. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
18. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
19. Three words: eat the check.

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

- Judge: What were you doing?

- 1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

- Judge: And what were you doing?

- 2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.

- Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

- 3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.
Four and eight makes 12.
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.
The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
The sea has fish.
Fish have fins.
The Finns are always fighting the Russians.
Russians are known as "red".
Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

The wife said:

- He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.

The next-door neighbor protested:

- Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.

The wife replied:

- Yes, but who wants HIM back?

- Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

- Man: What's the charge?

- Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service

My horoscope read:

- You're going places and you can't be stopped.

Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.

Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

- Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? - inquired the officer.

- Mister - exclaimed the telephone lineman - I was at the top of the pole!

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

- Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

- Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

- Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

- Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

- Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

- Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

- Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

- Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

- Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

- Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

- Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

- Pizza Man: I don't think so.

click

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

- Officer: May I see your driver's license?

- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

- Officer: The car is stolen?

- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

- Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

- Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

- Captain: Who's car is this?

- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

- Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

- Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Subject: You Deserve a Break Today

San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right.

The high court held that under the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain."

Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin ....