Newest jokes

About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter:

- Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.

- Heck, Gloria - the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off.

- we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

- Waiter!

- Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

- There's a fly in my soup!

- Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- No, it's still there.

- Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

- Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

- A SOUP bowl!

- Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

- You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

- Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- This is potato soup.

- Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

- Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

- Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

- Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

- Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

- Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.

From Reuters News Service:

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. - I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!

- That's okay, dearie - the aunt replied.

- After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway.

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

- Why, it's bean soup - she replied.

- I don't care what it has been - he sputtered.

- What is it now?

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.