Newest jokes

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest...
→ Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new...under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with...a private jet.

A committee of three...gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you can't stand the heat...try Antarctica.

Better late than...absent.

A rolling stone...may dent the floor.

If at first you don't succeed...live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry...and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is....better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise...and you will get the best cereal.

Two heads...are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than...to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as...a mister.

A penny saved...is not a lot.

Don't burn your bridges...or you'll fall in the lake.

Haste makes...sweat

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells:

- Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers:

- Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says:

- Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?

Clinton says:

- Give me the bad news first.

The officer says:

- Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine.

Clinton says:

- I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!... Well, what's the REALLY bad news?

The officer replies:

- Well, it's Hillary's handwriting.

How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
→ Not one will stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds eventually mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ They already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.

You Know You're From California When...

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
2. Your were born somewhere else
3. You know how to eat an artichoke
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
5. Your car has bulletproof windows
6. Left is right and right is wrong
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
8. Your mouse has only one ball
9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party
13. Your family tree contains "significant others"
14. Your dog has it's own psychiatrist
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
17. More than clothes come out of the closets
18. "The Dead" are best live
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
22. Smoking in your office is not optional
23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach
24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"
25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day
29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. I've seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

- Woman: Would you get married again?

- Man: Definitely not!

- W: Why not, don't you like being married?

- M: Of course I do.

- W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

- M: Okay, I'd get married again.

- W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

- M: Yes, I would.

- W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

- M: Where else would we sleep?

- W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

- M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

- W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

- M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

- We need a fourth for poker - said the friend.

- I'll be right over - whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked:

- Is it serious?

- Oh yes, quite serious - said the doctor gravely.

- In fact, three doctors are there already!

Ebonics Version of Windows '98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood."

Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen; or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds' loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:

1. Break Back In = Re-entry
2. Aww Shit = Error
3. U Betta Recognize = Delete
4. Itz All Good = OK
5. 4 Real Doe = Yes
6. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
7. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
8. R U Crazy = Are You Sure
9. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
10. Put A Cap In It = Delete
11. Games & Shit = Programs
12. Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials."

The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:

1. Dat Thang = File
2. I Be Seein' It = View
3. Put Sumpin In = Insert
4. Hook It Up = Format
5. Stuff I Ain't gone Need = Tools
6. Number Shit = Table
7. Break In = Window
8. What Da F*C@*K@? = Help

Note: "Stuff I ain't gone need" (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with "Keepin' it Real."

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly