Newest jokes

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said:

- What can your dog do?

The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said:

- Show the fellows what you can do

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

What to say to a telemarketer!

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

- Me: Hello

- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

- Me: May I ask who is calling?

- AT&T: This is AT&T.

- Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

- Me: Hello?

- AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: May I ask who is calling please?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: The phone company?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

- AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

- Me: I already have a phone.

- AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

- Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

- AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

- Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

- Me: 7 days a week?

- AT&T: That's right.

- Me: 365 days a year?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!

- AT&T: We think so!

- Me: That's quite a sum of money!

- AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

- Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a cash advance?

- AT&T: Excuse me?

- Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

- AT&T: What are you talking about?

- Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

- AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

- Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

- AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

- Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

- AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

- Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?

- AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

- Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

- AT&T: What?

- Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

- AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

- Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yeth?

- Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

- Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

- Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

- Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

- Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

- Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

- AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

- Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

- AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............
Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

- 5316 Useless Meeting

- 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

- 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

- 5319 Waiting for Break

- 5320 Waiting for Lunch

- 5321 Waiting for End of Day

- 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

- 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

- 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

- 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

- 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

- 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

- 5481 Buying Snack

- 5482 Eating Snack

- 5500 Filling Out Timesheet

- 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

- 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

- 5503 Scratching Yourself

- 5504 Sleeping

- 5510 Feeling Bored

- 5511 Feeling Horny

- 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

- 5601 Complaining About Low Pay

- 5602 Complaining About Long Hours

- 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

- 5604 Complaining About Boss

- 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

- 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

- 5701 Not Actually Present At Job

- 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

- 6102 Ordering Out

- 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

- 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

- 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

- 6201 Stealing Company Goods

- 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

- 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

- 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

- 6205 Hiding from Boss

- 6206 Gossip

- 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

- 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

- 6211 Updating Resume

- 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

- 6213 Out of Office on Interview

- 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

- 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

- 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

- 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

- 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

- 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

- 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

- 6602 Complaining

- 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

- 6611 Staring Into Space

- 6612 Staring At Computer Screen

- 6615 Transcendental Meditation

- 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

- 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

- 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

- 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

- 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

- 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

- 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

- 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

- 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

- 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

- 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

- 8000 Recreational Drug Use

- 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

- 8002 Liquid Lunch

- 8100 Reading e-mail

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

- Run one lap around the office at top speed.

- Walk sideways to the photocopier.

- Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

- When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

- Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

- Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

- While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

- Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

- Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

- Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

- At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

- Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

- For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

- Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

- After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

- While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

- In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

- In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

- Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

- Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

- Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

- Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

- Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

These are from actual resumes:

- "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

- "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

- "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

- "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

- "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

- "Number of dependents: 40."

- "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

- "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB

- "Responsibility makes me nervous."

- "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB

- "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

- "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

- "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES

- "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

- "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES

- "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES

- "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS

- "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING

- "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

- "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

- "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

- "I'm a rabid typist."

- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.

She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.

The local person replies:

- Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing.

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov:

- Where are we?

Rachmaninov said:

- Carnegie Hall, sir!