Newest jokes

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states:

- That's one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:

- That's two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:

- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says:

- That's one!

In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in the Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding fourteen of them.

I think I'll stick to the tradition of throwing rice--it seems much less dangerous.

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work:

- I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two.

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said:

- I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.

Jill tells her husband:

- Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

- Now, why can't you do that?

- Gosh, - Jack says, - why I hardly know the girl.

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth," he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says:

- Darling, I've a confession to make.

And she says:

- So have I, love.

To which he replies:

- Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
9. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
10. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
11. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
12. You, The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons To Give Flowers
14. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
15. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
16. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
17. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
18. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
19. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
20. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
21. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
22. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
23. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
24. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
25. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
26. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
27. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
3. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
4. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
5. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
6. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
7. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
8. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
9. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
10. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
11. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
13. You, The Whining Sex
14. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
15. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
16. How To Close The Garage Door
17. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
18. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
19. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
20. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
21. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
22. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
23. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
24. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
25. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
26. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
27. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
28. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
29. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

- But, officer, I can explain - the man began.

- Just be quiet - snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

- But, officer, I just wanted to say

- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.

- I'm the groom.

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"