Newest jokes

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said:

- Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?

- Uhh, oh yeah, O.K. - responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked:

- Well how much did you give the boy this time?

- Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.

- That's $1020!!! - yelled Dad.

- Are you going crazy???

- Don't worry hon - Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head.

- I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask:

- Why do we have to learn this pointless information

- To save lives - the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again:

- So how does physics save lives? - he persisted.

- It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school - replied the professor.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

- In English - he said.

- A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up:

- Yeah, right.

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

- And who was it that developed the theories behind communism? - the professor asked.

- I don't know - the student said.

- Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know - said the professor.

- That's not true - the student replied.

- I never pay attention anyway!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture:

- Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice from the back of the room rang out:

- And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said:

- Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.

- Yes, sir - the boys said.

- Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?

A little fellow shouted:

- It's because yer feet ain't empty.

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered:

- Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said:

- Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked:

- Why are you standing here all alone?

- Because - the little girl said with great exasperation - I'm the goalie!

Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
→ Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

An ideal homework excuse

- Teacher: Where is your homework?

- Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!