Newest jokes

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ Her blinker was on.

What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
→ The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
→ She fell out of the tree

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
→ So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their tits.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.

An Israeli doctor said:

- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said:

- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said:

- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:

- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.

All the things my mother taught me:

- My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

- My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

- My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

- My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

- My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry out."

- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

- My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

- My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

- My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

- My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

- My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

- My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

- My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says:

- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says:

- You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He whips down his pants and says:

- Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
→ A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
→ A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
→ Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
→ Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
→ So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
→ Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
→ A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
→ Well Hung.

What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
→ Fingerpaint.

What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
→ POTPOURRI.

What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
→ See you next month.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
→ She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
→ Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Do you know what drag is?
→ It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

What do you call lesbian twins?
→ Lick-a-likes.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
→ She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

What's the definition of confusion?
→ Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
→ One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says:

- I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.

Well the second guy says:

- Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.

Well the third guy says:

- Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.

Well the fourth guys clearly states:

- Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.

The other three guys say really? Why's that?

And the fourth guys says:

- Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I shit my pants!

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs.

- God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?

- Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

- God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?

- Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

- Woman: Excuse me God?

- God: Yes

- Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

POOF Man was created.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your mother.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ Wiped his ass.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
→ A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
→ You know she'll swallow.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
→ A mechanic!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
→ The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
→ A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
→ The blonde, because she's 18.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
→ Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
→ "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Three words women hate to hear when having sex
→ "Honey, I'm home!"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
→ It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
→ When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
→ Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

How can you tell a macho women?
→ She rolls her own tampons.

What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
→ Hair balls.

What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
→ Crust.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.