Newest jokes

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks;

- Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

- Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!

Then the old man points out the window.

- Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says:

- But ya fuck one goat......

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.

- Only twenty years of normal sex life?

but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

- But I don't need twenty years - he protested,

- Ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly.

- Can I have the other ten?

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up:

- Can I have the other ten?

The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded:

- Can I have the other ten?

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state-of-the-art computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes.

- If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems - I said in the memo.

One customer responded with:

- What kind of shampoo do you recommend?

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:

- Gee, how much does one of these weigh?

- Me: It depends on how much data is on the disk.

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried:

- What's wrong with the computer?

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied:

- Broken muffler belt.

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked:

- Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?

A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:

- Caller: What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?

- HD: Data Entry.

- Caller: Thank you!

Overheard in a student computer lab:

- Client (raising hand and waving frantically): The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??

- Lab Assistant: Enter your name and press RETURN.

- Client (as if a revelation has struck): Oh!

How was wire invented?
→ Two lawyers pulling on a penny.

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

- Why? - asks the father.

- The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'

- But that's right!

- Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'

His father asks:

- What's the fucking difference?

Johnny says:

- That's exactly what I said!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

- Did you see what your monkey did now? - he asks.

- Now what? - responds the patron.

- Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! - says the barkeeper.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays

12. Start of Christmas Season Day
13. False Labor Day
14. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
15. Hallmark Card Day
16. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
17. Newtsmas
18. Deadbeat Father's Day
19. Bad Hair Day
20. Put Your Daughter To Work Day
21. Doris Day
22. St. Hooter's Day

And the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday...

1. Hash Wednesday

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male:

- They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.

- A better model is just around the corner.

- They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

- It's always essential to have a backup.

- They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

- The best part of having one is the games you can play.

- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

- The lights are on but nobody's home.

- Big power surges knock them out at night.

- Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female:

- They're oh so picky, picky, picky.

- They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

- Beauty is only shell deep.

- When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.

- They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

- They are always turning simple statements into big productions.

- Small talk is important.

- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

- They make you take the garbage out.

- Miss a period and they go wild.

- The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.