Newest jokes

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
Men become old, but they never become good. - Oscar Wilde
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.

I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.

Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.

Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.

The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.

- Where's Eve? - He asked.

- Well, - said Adam - She started to bleed. This happens every month or so.

- So where is she? - asked God.

- Well, she went down to the river to wash up. - replied Adam.

- Darn, - said God - Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!

Etiquette and Behavior

- EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's

- EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)

- EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

- EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company

- EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

- EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

- EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives

- GE101: You, The Whining Sex

- GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

- GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

- GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

- GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics

- HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too

- HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

- HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

- HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

- HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

- HE106: How To Close The Garage Door

- HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

- HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

- HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity

- HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships

- IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

- IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

- IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

- IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"

- IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills

- LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag

- LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

- LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

- LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

- LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

- LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

- LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

- LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

- LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack

- LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain

- LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

- LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause

- LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education

- SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man

- SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes

- SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom

- SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often

- SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"

- SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

- SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")

- SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says:

- Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out.

God replies:

- No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Tailor says:

- Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them.

God replies:

- No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Architect says:

- Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room

When God made man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so he left a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so he left a little space.

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies:

- Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.

The buddy gets exasperated and says...:

- You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked:

- Who killed Jesus Christ?

The Jewish man answered without hesitation:

- The Romans killed him.

The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied:

- Jesus was killed by the Jews.

Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying:

- Could I have some time to think about it?

The chief said:

- OK, but get back to me tommorrow.

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked:

- How did the interview go?

He replied:

- Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!