Newest jokes

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
→ Because they are murmurs of the tied.

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

- We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income. - his wife told her best friend.

- How do you two manage? And you even have kids!

- We get along okay - her friend said.

- You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.

- Really? How can that be?

- Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim:

- It's got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag.

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he asked:

- Who's that?

- Oh, - said Steve with a grin, - another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!

- Before I married my wife, - a husband once said, - it was nothing but wine, women, and song.

- Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV.

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary:

- What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?

He replied:

- I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.

She asked:

- And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?

- I think I did a damn good job!

- What's an orgasm, mom?

- I don't know, dear...ask your father.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

- You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting, - she said as they were side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.

- Then you used to kiss me, - she purred. He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.

- After that, you used to bite my neck. With that the husband got up. - Where are you going? - she asked. - To get my teeth, - he grumbled.

A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.

Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him:

- Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time.

- Yeah, I remember those trying times. - replied the attorney.

- I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?

- Yes, I do.

- But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime.

- That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?

- Because...

I could have been a free woman by now!