Newest jokes

- My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?

- You have far too much free time!

- Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

- Really! What are you taking for it?

- (with a grin) Black pepper!

- Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

- You should cut down on drinks.

- I don't touch a drop.

- You should cut down on smoking.

- I don't smoke.

- You should stop taking drugs.

- I don't do drugs.

- You should cut down on womanizing.

- Haven't touched a woman in my life.

- In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

- Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?

- Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

- What seems to be the trouble?

- Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

- What seems to be the trouble?

- Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!

- Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity. And...
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

- Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

- No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

- Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

- Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.

- That's easy. Eat shit!