A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"
Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.
A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.
- Person: Are you a democrat or a republican?
- Blonde: Oh, I'm an American.
Why did the condom fly across the road?
→ It was pissed off!!
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby?
→ Ask your parents.
How do crazy people get through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:
- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.
So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them:
- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man:
- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?
The Pakistani man replied:
- Just try them on.
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:
- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
→ "Dam."
There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.
- I will grant you each a wish - he said.
- Why not - thought the blondes.
- It's worth a try.
- I want to be the world's best swimmer - one said, so can swim off of the island. She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.
- I want to be a bird - one said, and flew away immediately.
The 3rd, and last one thought for a while:
- I want to be a man. Maybe that would help.
She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.
