OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
→ The brunette, because the other two don't exist!
There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.
They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:
- Police Officer #1: What's your name?
- Shutup: Shutup.
- Police Officer #2: Where's your manners?
- Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!
If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as you're walking by the annoying someone. Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.
It will eventually drive them slightly insane!
The punchline is:
- And then the president said - But that's not my duck!
What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new national anthem for the United States, "Yank my Dandy Doodle!"
Atlanta School Board
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."
SEED -- verb, past tense.
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says:
- Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?
The youngster responds, proudly:
- Ya, Santa brought it for me.
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying:
- Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says:
- And did Santa bring you that horse?
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers:
- Why, yes, he did.
To which Johnny responds:
- Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top.
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident.
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says:
- Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness.
- Saints Preserve us - says she - is Mike alright?
Pat responds:
- I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!
- Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt? - says Mary.
- Sure, an it's worse than that - says Pat - he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!
- Oh, well - says Mary - At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!
- Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that - says Pat - but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!
How many cockroaches does it take to turn on a light?
→ No one knows...when the light comes on they all scatter!
What is a country song played backwards?
→ Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
