Job Application

NAME:
→ I am Applyin

DESIRED POSITION:
→ Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
→ $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
→ Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
→ Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
→ Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
→ My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
→ It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
→ Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
→ 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
→ Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
→ If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
→ Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
→ I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
→ I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
→ Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
→ Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?
→ The nearest hospital comes to mind.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
→ No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
→ Sagitarian with Cancer rising.