Eleventh Degree Black Belt

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

• Escape from Dojo: The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
• Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
• Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
• Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
• Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
• Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
• Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
• Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
• Sensei's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

• Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
• Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
• Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
• Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
• Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
• Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
• Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
• Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
• Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
• Must be able to sing Karaoke.
• Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
• Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
• Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
• Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
• Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
• Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
• Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.