Women Jokes

Random joke from this category

Pre-Birth Class

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

Burglar Under The Bed

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

Courses For Men And Women

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

  1. Combatting Stupidity
  2. You Too Can Do Housework
  3. Resistance to Beer
  4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
  5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
  6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
  7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
  8. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
  9. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
  10. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
  11. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
  12. You, The Weaker Sex
  13. Reasons To Give Flowers
  14. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
  15. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
  16. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
  17. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
  18. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
  19. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
  20. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
  21. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
  22. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
  23. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
  24. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
  25. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
  26. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
  27. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

  1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
  2. You Can Change The Oil Too
  3. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
  4. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
  5. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
  6. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
  7. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
  8. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
  9. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
  10. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
  11. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
  12. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
  13. You, The Whining Sex
  14. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
  15. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
  16. How To Close The Garage Door
  17. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
  18. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
  19. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
  20. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
  21. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
  22. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
  23. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
  24. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
  25. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
  26. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
  27. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
  28. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
  29. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Wife Translation Guide

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

The Perfect Mate

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Why Women Are Beautiful

Man says to God: "Why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

Man says to God: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

Glad I'm A Man

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Glad I'm A Woman

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for a chick.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Women One Liners

How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
→ Not one will stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds eventually mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ They already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.