Women Jokes

What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
→ They're both stuck up cunts!!

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"

The rest is history . . .

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
→ A fugitive

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
13. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..
15. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
→ Marriage.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
11. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
12. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
13. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
14. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
15. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
16. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
17. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
18. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.