Sports

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?

Don King.

What do the Pope and the Giants have in common?

Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!!

Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?

They're only good for one period and have no second string.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hoursto spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he wasabout to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked ifhe could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not beingable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originallylay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?" So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me." And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator." The man said "Thank you" and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question." "Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?" Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super Bowl !!"

A Blind Mans Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

At The Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "no". Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Q. Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?

A. She got her finger caught in a dike!

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says." Where did it get you?" He replies"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"

"I think your stance must be a little too wide"

Weight ControlHere's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350