Situations

A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.

She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, "Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!"

They looked up at her puzzled and asked, "Was he sick yesterday?"

From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...

The Sleeping Alligator Story

- Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning

- Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.

- You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick

- Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet.

- You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.

- Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler

- Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?

- You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys

- Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.

- You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.

- Bro/Sis: This time we won't.

The Snowflake Story

- Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!

- You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!

- Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo

- You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!

- Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.

The Elf

- Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet Tom.

- You: I don't see anybody.

- Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.

- You: Oh sure.

- Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.

- You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later

- Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.

- Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and 18.

At four, we know all the questions; at eighteen, all the answers.

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

"I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

- Sister: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket!

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations (X = occupied, . = empty):
X......
X.....
X X..
X..
X X.X.X.X
XXX.
X.X
XXX
XXXXXXX
These are only acceptable when significant "privacy" dividers are available. If the urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
    a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
    b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
    c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

How do men exercise at the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.