Situations

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things."

"True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Atheism - A non-prophet organization.
• Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
• Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
• Clones are people two.
• COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!"
• Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs
• Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.
• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.
• My reality check just bounced.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I have to go to court for kitty littering.
• I have to jog my memory.
• I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I have to sit up with a sick ant.
• I have to stay home and see if I snore.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).
• I'm going to be old someday.
• I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
• I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
• I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
• I'm trying to cut down.
• I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.
• I've been traded to Cincinnati.
• My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
• my favorite commercial is on TV.
• My uncle escaped... again.
• Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...

DOH!

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation."

Woo-hoo...check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

• "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
• "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. . . ."
• "The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?"
• "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."
• "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
• "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
• "The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
• "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
• "Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."
• "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."
• "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
• "Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."

I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."

Then he shook his head sadly and repeated, "No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."

• Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
• Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
• Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.
• Build on high ground.
• For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
• Two heads are better than one.
• Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.
• Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
• Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
• When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!
• Stay below deck during the storm.
• The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
• If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
• Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
• Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...
• No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.