Politics

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in ahelicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutesand finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.

He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."

"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of thehelicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."

He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.

About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.

Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 outthe window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."

He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."

She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out thewindow? That should make a lot of people happy."

Again he says it's a good idea and he does.

A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I stilldon't think I've done enough."

This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throwyourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."

Shortest Book of the Month:Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

The Math Test California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present: The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency ExamName:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________ 1.

Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2.

Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3.

Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 4.

Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5.

Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 6.

Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7.

If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 8.

Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 9.

Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses? 10.

Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivateher class. She told them that she would read a quote and the firststudent to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest ofthe day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzyinstantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you,but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady beltsout, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnysaid, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to knowwho said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "BillClinton. I'll see you Monday."

Democrats V. Republicans What it all boils down to ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS-------------------------------------------------------------------criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift | chance | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift | | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------endangered | give them protection | Give them the swiftspecies | | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift | | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift | health care | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95 | 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)-------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton Statue Committee 1040 Waffle Street Little Rock, Arkansas 72208 Dear Friend;We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raisingof $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Famein Washington, D.C.This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It wasnot wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who nevertold a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, sinceBill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatestdemocrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not knowwhere he was, and returned not knowing where he had been. And he did itall on borrowed money.

Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up yourshovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promisedland." Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,sit on your asses and light up a camel - this is the promised land."

Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raisethe price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of thefortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect avery generous contribution to the worthwhile project.

Fraternally,Bill Clinton Statue CommitteeP.

S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it gives a false sense of security.

Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone getalong, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep ournation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-freeliberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try onemore time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for theterminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinkobedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people wereconfused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NoRights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any otherform of wealth.

More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeinganything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based onfreedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leavethe room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the worldis full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriverin your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturerto make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the mostcharitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but weare quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation ofprofessional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation ofanother generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but fromthe looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest ofus get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprisedif the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you stillwon't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives inforeign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governmentsand won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.

However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spendso much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a militaryuniform and a funny hat.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to takeadvantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laidbefore you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that youhave the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easierif you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created bythose around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper napper@felix.

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New Chemical Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered byinvestigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentativelynamed administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomicnumber of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic massof 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves thecontinuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can bedetected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes onereaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normallyoccurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at whichtime it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in whichassistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after eachreorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturallyin the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such asgovernment agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually befound in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level ofconcentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it isallowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratiumcan be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are notpromising.