Random joke from this category
Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.
"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time!"
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.
"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"
"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"
A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door.
"Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher.
"Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"And what about anything else?" he asked.
"Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe."
"Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."
