Marriage Jokes

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it."

The pharmacist continues, "It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!"

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.

The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, "You don't scare me I am married to your sister!"

Marriage was invented because it's only so much fun to cheat at cards.

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
10. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
11. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
12. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
13. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
14. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
15. Hey, pull my finger!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes", said the widow.

"I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $10,000?"

"Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow.

"I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone."

Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"

The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first.

- What do you wish for yourself?

- I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.

- Okay, that shall be granted to you.

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.

- What do you wish for yourself?

- I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.

- Okay, that shall be granted to you.

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself.

- What do you wish for yourself?

- I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?

- Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.

- I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."