Marriage Jokes

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Why do you live like a NUN after you get married?
→ NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, NUN in the evening, NUN what so ever!

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'

- Was your wife a virgin when you married?

- I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.

A man took his wife to the doctors.

After a short examination the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!"

To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.

She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

Six stages of married life:

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5. Try anything
6. Try to remember