Marriage Jokes

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.

- This is her husband!

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said:

- When you can read this, come back and see me.

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

- Some parents - she said - tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'

One of the women spoke up immediately:

- Does she cook???

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other:

- Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?

- Outstanding, - Fred replied.

- They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.

- That's great! What was the name of the clinic?

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked:

- What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?

- You mean a rose?

- Yes, that's it!

He turned to his wife. . .

- Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

- I have a black horse and a brown horse - the farmer said.

- which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.

- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

- In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

- Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

- Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

- Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":

- The Engagement Ring

- The Wedding Ring

- The Suffe-Ring

- The Endu-Ring