Random joke from this category
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was:
- F.F.
His wife turned to him and answered:
- E.F.
Out on the highway, he said:
- F.F.
She responded simply:
- E.F.
He repeated:
- F.F.
She again replied:
- E.F.
- Mom! Dad! - their son yelled.
- What's going on?
Bad Bernie answered:
- Your mother wants to eat first!
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:
- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!
She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:
- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned:
- Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak:
- Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:
- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?
- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff, the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself:
- Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself:
- Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself:
- Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
- Sir, what happened? - asked Jeff.
- You married a nurse.
- Son, don't ever marry a nurse - the man sourly replied.
- All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
- What happened? - Jeff asked with surprise.
- Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.
- Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator - the man groaned.
- All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
- My goodness sir, what happened to you? - Jeff asked, fearing the worst.
- Did you have a fight?
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied:
- No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.
- All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'.
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:
- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.
His buddy said:
- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!
So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:
- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?
- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
- Louise - he moaned - tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?
- Even worse - she said, her voice oozing scorn.
- You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.
- He's an asshole - John said.
- Piss on him.
- You did - came the reply.
- And he fired you.
- Well, screw him! - said John.
- I did. You're back at work on Monday.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.
His friend says:
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
- So did anything happen?
- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.
- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.
- Then what happened? - says the man.
- I don't know. It was too dark to see.
- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.
- An ambulance just drove by.
A few moments passed.
- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.
- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.
- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.
