Random joke from this category
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses.
- You know, honey - she said sweetly.
- Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.
- Honey - he replied with a grin.
- Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down - torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers:
- The weather out there is terrible.
To which she sleepily replies:
- Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend:
- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!
- What happened? - asked the friend.
- My wife found out..
- Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
- Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:
- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!
Martha replies:
- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?
The man responds:
- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A guy came home to his wife and said to her:
- Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!
- That's great - his wife said.
- Yeah, I thought so too - he agreed.
- You start on Monday.
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say:
- I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say:
- Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say:
- Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say:
- Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish.
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say:
- Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you.
Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask:
- Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim:
- And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU.
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say:
- I'll get the rest of it for you dear.
Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with:
- This is all you got for how much?
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say:
- Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones.
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with:
- No that's not what..
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say:
- What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it.
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
A wife complains:
- A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.
Her husband mumbled:
- Clock always was slow.
He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.. You wear briefs, don't you?
He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.
He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.
He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.
He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked:
- Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?
Looking her over carefully, Harold replied:
- Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.
- Oh, you flatterer! - she gushed.
- Hey, wait a minute! - Harold interrupted.
- I haven't added them up yet.
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
