Marriage Jokes

- Boy: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

- Girl: Why not ??

- Boy: I'm broke.

- Boy: May I hold your hand??

- Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

- Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

- Boy: What time was it??

- Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!

- Boy: You love me...

- Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

- Boy: Sure, what's your phone number??

- Girl: Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

- Boy: Don't you ever want to improve??

- Boy: I love you and I could die for you!

- Girl: How soon??

- Sharon: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

- Tracy: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

- Man: You remind me of the sea.

- Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

- Man: NO, because you make me sick.

- Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

- Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

- Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?

- Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

- Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?

- Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

- Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

- Lily: So what do you do?

- Sam: I close my eyes.

- Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

- Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

- Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

- Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.

- What are you charged with? - he asked.

- Doing my Christmas shopping early - replied the defendant.

- That's no offense - replied the judge.

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - countered the prisoner.

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
→ Cause you're fatter then they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
→ So what's your question, dork?

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
→ No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
→ Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
→ Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
→ Yes, baby lips.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
→ Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

What causes baby blues?
→ Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said:

- Sugar, sugar?

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked:

- Honey, honey?

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said:

- Ham, pig?

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said:

- Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.

He said:

- Certainly, honey - and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise:

- Say - said the druggist.

- aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?

- Yes, I am - said the officer.

- Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:

- See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold:

- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband:

- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale:

- And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells:

- That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

- Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.

It read:

- Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.

- Please advise?

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says:

- Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says:

- What in the world was that?

The old man replied:

- It's fart football!

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says:

- Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says:

- Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says:

- What the heck was that?

The old man replied:

- Half-time, Switch sides!

A man asked his wife:

- What would you most like for your birthday?

She said:

- I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked:

- Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned:

- Actually I meant dress size.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said:

- How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! and hung up.

Curious, the husband said:

- Who was that?

And his lovely wife replies:

- I don't any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs:

- Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.

- Now, now - her mother comforted:

- I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.

- No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!

- Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! - says her mom.

- Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.

- No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.

- Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?

- Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!