Irish Jokes

- And how's yer wife, Pat?

- Sure, she do be awful sick.

- Is ut dangerous she is?

- No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

- I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble - offered the friend.

- Did Mike leave you well fixed?

- Oh, he did! - she said.

- He left me almost a half million dollars.

- Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write.

- Nor swim either - added the widow.

- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.

- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.

- Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again:

- Well, does the man beat you up?

- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.

- Oi'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.

- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.

- you need a reason that the court can consider.

- What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

- Ah, well now - said the lady.

- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

An Irishman went into a post office to see if there were any letters for him.

- I'll see, sir, - said the clerk.

- What is your name?

- You're having me on now because I'm Irish, - said the Irishman.

- Won't you see the name on the envelope?

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ There's a 12-month waiting list.

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
→ They were riverdancing.

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel?
Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

- Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder?

- Harry: What did the sign say?

- Fred: Stop.

An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY.
So he went in and applied for the job!

Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?
→ His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!