Ethnic

Welcome to EBONICS 101

Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar...

"Damn- that shit is DOPE!"
→ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

"Can't FADE that."
→ I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.

"Shante ain't havin' it."
→ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

"Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats."
→ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

"YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"
→ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"
→ I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

"What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!"
→ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

"She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"
→ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time.

"Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!"
→ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

"STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER..."
→ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol.

"Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"
→ Why are the police officers always worried?

"Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."
→ It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!

Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears..."...

I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.

"I thought you hated Italians?" was the comment as the friend recovered. "Yeh, I do. But even I'll admit they're cute when they're little."

Confucius says: Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
12. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
14. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
15. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.

BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.

The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.

Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.

"Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather?" said one Herr Schwein.

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"

"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says - "Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???"

Mike replies - "No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'"

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, "Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?"

Liza Jane was startled and said, "No Rastus you cain't!"

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, "Alright if'n it will shut you up you can." So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, "Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?" Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, "Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?"

Rastus replies, "What's that?"

"Every time you look up my dress you says, 'Sho is a wonder.' Sho is a wonder what?"

To which Rastus replies, "Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!"

What's long, black, and smells funny?
→ The Welfare LINE!