Blonde Jokes

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question: "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted: "I don't know!"

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde couldn't be happier. "It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

- Why are we so happy? he asked.

- Honey, I have some really great news for you!

- Great, tell me what you're so happy about.

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.

- I'm pregnant! she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

- What do you mean more?

- Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

- If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?

- I'd have to say the living one.

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.

- Can I help you? he asked.

- I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it, replied the woman.

- Did you drop it right here?

- No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.

A blonde ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red.

- What happened? he asked.

- I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking the iron was the phone I put it to my ear, she replied.

- Oh no, but what happened to your other ear?

She frowned and replied "The jerk rang back!"

A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, "What do I do now? I'm almost out of typing paper."

"Just use the copier machine paper," replied the other secretary.

With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

There was this bartender and he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes and they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!" One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, "Why are you chanting 44 days?"

She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, "A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"

A blonde reports for his University's final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"