Animal Jokes

Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

- Loomis: Does your dog have a license?

- Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin'.

Did you hear about the stupid woodworm?
He was found in a brick.

Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed?
He said he wanted to grow some birds.

Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

How does an idiot call for his dog?
→ He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet.

- What are they for? - he asked the pet shop manager.

- Ah well, sir, that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Goodbye'. - came the reply.

- And what happens if you pull both strings at once?

- I fall off my perch, you fool! - screeched the parrot.

A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an emormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.

Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that's closest to them.

- No, not that one - shouts the surviving hunter.

- That's the female.

- The Czech is in the male.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said:

- Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.

The reporter said:

- Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.

The old explorer said:

- No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
→ 'Let us prey.'