Animal Jokes

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes!

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

Top 15 Household Pet Dishes

15. Angelfish Cake
16. Hamster and Cheese on Rye
17. Chow Chow Mein
18. Bran Muffy
19. Eggs BenjiDict
20. Yorkieshire pudding
21. Shih-Tzu Kabobs
22. Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
23. Shrimp Cockatiel
24. Fettucine AlFido
25. Chicken Poodle Soup
26. Turtlellini
27. Lhasa Thermidor
28. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
29. I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

• The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
  or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
• The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
• The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
  or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
• The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
• The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
• The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
• The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
• The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
• The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
• The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
• The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
• The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
→ An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
→ Lots of room!

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
→ Swim for it...

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
→ Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

Why do elephants live in herds?
→ To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.