Animal Jokes

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have?
→ Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.

Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.

He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head.

The druggist says "May I help you?" The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking around."

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
→ So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
→ Right where you left him.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam".

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, "Got any fresh fruit?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables?"

"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.

"Got any fresh fruit?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables?"

"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any fresh fruit?"