Animal Jokes

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says:

- So, why the long face?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
→ I'd have to say it was the rooster!

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
→ Because they can.

Why does a dog lick his balls?
→ Because he can't make a fist.

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.

He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

- I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf.

- Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up!

What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
→ Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"