Animal Jokes

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds?
→ Half a cheetah.

For all animal lovers out there:

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
→ Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. and...

How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
→ Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
→ Take it for a drag.

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. "What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion. "I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

Two goldfish are in a tank.

One said to the other: 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.
"This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

What has four legs and eight arms?
→ A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.

It's so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog's dead!!!"