Newest jokes

- Customer: I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time.

- Tech Support: Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?

- Customer: Of course I am. That's why I bought it.

- Tech Support: Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?

- Customer: Don't get rude with me, of course I do.

- Tech Support: Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results.

- Customer: I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it.

- Customer: Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?

- Customer: My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn't work.

- Tech Support: Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up.

- Customer: Look, I don't have three hands!

- Me: What is that noise?

- Customer: Hey Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!

- Me: What was that?

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

- Customer: It's from a device.

- Me: What kind of device?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Me: Like a fax machine or something?

- Customer: I don't know. Someone is under house arrest or something.

- Tech Support: How may I help you today, sir?

- Customer: Hello...hey, er... I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer.

- Tech Support: Why is that, sir?

- Customer: I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'.

- Tech Support: Yes...?

- Customer: Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer.

- Student: Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?

- Computer Teacher: In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don't think we could do that.

- Customer: How do I print my voicemail?

Many people in computer labs will assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do it yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the response is, "THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously not.

Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response:

- I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.

The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.