A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
- What the heck are you doing? - he asks the drunk.
- I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.
- So how does feeling the roof help you? - He asked the drunk.
- Well - the drunk replied, MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them:
- We don't serve your kind in here.
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him:
- Why not? We're cultured individuals.
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.
- That stupid Dave! - the fellow chortled.
- He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
- Well, you really tied one on last night - she said.
- Where'd you go?
- I worked late - he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.
- A couple of beers? That's a laugh - she replied.
- You got plastered last night. Where did you go?
- What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?
- Well - she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says:
- Do you know your monkey stole my beer.
The pianist replies:
- No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:
- I want you to see this.
She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:
- what do you have to say about this experiment?
He responds by saying:
- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked:
- What do you have in there, pal?
- A mongoose.
- What for?
- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.
- But - the friend said - you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.
- That's okay - said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box.
- So is the mongoose.
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
- Are you Mr. Johnson? - the asked?
He admitted that he was.
- Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?
Again, the man admitted that was he.
- And what did you do then - the troopers asked.
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
- Where is your car now? - the troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
- May we see the car? - asked the troopers.
The man answered:
- Sure - and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
