A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said:
- We have an opening for people like you.
- Oh, great - he said.
- What is it?
- It's called the door!
The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American's team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by
TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend:
- I'm a walking economy.
The friend replies:
- How so?
- My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car.
He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
- Well, kid - says the genie.
- You know how it works. You have three wishes.
- I'm not falling for this - says the man.
- I'm not going to trust a used car salesman!
- What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
- OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.
POOF
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
- OK, kid, what's your second wish.
- My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
POOF
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
- OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says:
- I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will want and need me.
POOF He's turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a used car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a string attached somewhere!
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
- Listen - said the CEO.
- this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?
- Certainly - the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
- Excellent, excellent! - says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
- I just need one copy.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictate a letter...:
- And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictate a letter...:
- And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.
The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.
The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks:
- Does your boss know you are discouraging business?
- Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers.
- After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs.
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.
- I think this one will really move - said the broker.
- it's only $1 a share.
- Buy me 1000 shares - said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said:
- You were right, give me 5000 more shares.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker:
- Get me 10,000 more shares - said the client.
- Great! - said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker:
- Sell all my shares!
The broker said:
- To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling:
- Help, Help me!
but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says:
- Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
